The Impending Visit
My very loud and lovely neurotypical friend and her new man have invited themselves over to my house for the evening and have decided to stay the night. I have been given the choice of
a) this Monday
b) next Monday
c) never, because the huge amounts of effort that it takes me to pretend to be what you think I am is stressful and utterly exhausting.
I would have preferred option c), but unfortunately, it wasn’t available.
In theory, I would love them to come and visit. In my more positive moments, I pretend to myself that I am the kind of person that can deal with this in a loving, caring, natural manner. She’s a good friend and we’ve known each other for years, but the thought of having to be responsible for someone else’s well being and happiness for that length of time is terrifying. I would be responsible for making sure that they are fed, watered, warm, entertained etc.
In theory, I could have said ‘no’, but we all know what would happen if you keep saying ‘no’. Eventually, people get fed up with you and move on to someone else.
I’m scared that if I lose my concentration for a split second, then they will see the real me. I’ve been trying to understand why that’s such a bad thing, but I can’t think of a reason. It’s more of an emotional response, an insidious self-hatred that has resulted from a lifetime of being rejected and misunderstood.
I feel daunted and very apprehensive, like I’m about to go on stage and give a hugely important performance. At the same time, I feel aggrieved because I didn’t really have a say in the matter. Recently, I have noticed that I often end up being railroaded into doing things that I don’t really want to do by other people. It’s not always as clear cut as this example, often the coercion is quite subtle. It’s definitely something that I’m planning to examine in the near future, in the hope that I can stop it happening. I wouldn’t mind if it was mutual, but there doesn’t appear to be a queue of people lining up to go out of their way to make me happy.
I’ve tried to decide what I would really like to be doing, but I don’t really want to do anything, I just want to curl up in the garden with my cat and watch the butterflies.